Salisbury — New Brunswick native Rex O’Donnell is outraged at the new government mandate that he must wear a shirt inside any and all Irving Big Stop locations.
“I have rights!” he exclaimed, his beer belly spilling over his Kirkland jeans. “When I pull in to get gas and some jerky and I shouldn’t have to waste time rummaging around in the car for a damn shirt. This isn’t communist China! Or is it?!”
As of today, government officials are stationed at every Irving Big Stop to ensure its patrons are wearing at bare minimum a shirt and shoes before entering. This has left many New Brunswickers confused and frustrated.
“How can anyone tell ME what to do!” screamed O’Donnell, who was idling in his car outside the Silver Fox, scratching a lotto ticket.
“I’ve said it all along — this is the government’s way of controlling the masses,” added the bumbling slob.
Premier Blaine Higgs explained at a press conference that this rule is for everyone’s benefit.
“The temperature is slowly dropping, and we know everyone owns at least one shirt at this point, so we don’t think it’s too much to ask that people help their neighbour out by wearing that shirt just for the duration of their time inside Big Stop establishments. As soon as they exit the building they’re free to continue being repulsive.
“But inside, where people are trying to eat…? Come on, no one wants to see that. Disgustingness is highly transmissible and we need to put a stop to it.”
Other provinces have long ago pulled the trigger on the no shirt, no service rule.
“So if Nova Scotia jumps off a bridge, does that mean we should too?” cried O’Donnell, shoving chips down his gullet and letting the crumbs spill onto his chest hair. “I don’t see any evidence that they’re lookin’ any better than us just because they love their precious shirts so much. I thought we had FREEDOMS here?!
“My tax dollars pay ol’ Higgsy’s salary so I should be calling the shots, not that Irving puppet!”
Some Big Stops are offering disposable shirts, called “community shirts,” for customers who forgot their shirt at home or who still do not own a shirt.
“You can pull a community shirt out of the dispenser, put it on to come in, and throw it out when you leave,” said cashier Amy Lister. “Sounds kind of wasteful to me, but whatever it takes so I don’t have to see these gross shirtless people anymore.”
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