Fredericton — Local man James David Lorne MacKinley (Jimmy) is debating today whether the shit he needs to take is so urgent that it warrants using the sketchy bathroom at King’s Place Mall.
“I had a large coffee this morning at Coffee and Friends, then took off to do some errands, and before I knew it I had a big decision to make and a bigger shit to take,” said MacKinley. “So now I’m here in the food court weighing my options.”
Anyone who’s ever been to King’s Place knows MacKinley’s pain, both figurative and literal.
“You leave the house thinking, ‘It’s all good, if I have to go I’ll find a public washroom.’ Well, when you’re in that mindset you never consider that that public washroom could end up being the grossest spot in the whole city,” said MacKinley, loitering just outside the dreaded restroom, looking increasingly worried.
As he stood there trying to make the call, an obvious junkie hobbled out of the bathroom, and a trail of a mysterious yellow-brown liquid began seeping underneath the door and into the hallway.
“Jesus, what is that?!” cried MacKinley, in a state of panic. “I’m parked way the fuck over at city hall and I don’t think I can get there and then find a better bathroom in time!”
MacKinley then appeared to pass out from the sheer physical and mental strain.
At press time, he had woken up next to a “wet floor” sign, and oddly no longer had to take a dump.