New Brunswick — Freezing rain and sleet are slamming the Atlantic provinces today, making travel impossible and closing businesses — including gyms.
A few eager workout enthusiasts are disappointed they won’t be able to make those gains today, but most people are just happy they can stay inside and do nothing, without guilt.
“My new year’s resolution was to get fit and go to the gym at least four times per week, but Mother Nature obviously has other plans, what with this freezing rain. Now, where’s that remote?” Sackville resident Jeff Randall asked his girlfriend, Kelsie Trites. “And if I’m not working out, there’s no reason to bother eating healthy either — I’m really more of an ‘all or nothing’ type guy. I wonder if any pizza places are still open?”
“How is this different from any other Sunday?” Trites asked, settling in on the couch in sweatpants and a hoodie. “Eating crap and watching crap. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…mind putting The Bachelorette on?”
Some longtime lazy arseholes are even pretending they were just about to start a workout routine, were it not for this darned weather.
“You know, on New Year’s Day I was on the fence about getting a gym membership — I didn’t want to be one of those bandwagon-jumpers,” expressed Lincoln man Kyle Smithson. “But last week I got a flyer for GoodLife in the mail that made the whole ‘health’ thing look pretty appealing, and this was the day — swear to god — today was the day I was going to turn my life around. It must be a sign!”
Fredericton woman Shelly Arseneau called her gym and found out that they are, in fact, open.
“Well yeah, technically they’re open, but have a look outside — the roads are treacherous and only getting worse, so no one should be driving,” she said. “I think just calling them shows that I really did intend to exercise.”
At press time Arseneau was scraping her car off with the plan to drive to the store for Storm Chips and beer.