Fredericton – After giving in and allowing her boyfriend Tom Harrity to purchase a cable package that included Bell Media’s Space Channel, local girlfriend Sarah Bryson is now fed up with talk about space travel, astronauts, black holes, unexplored planets and meteors.
“He asked me, ‘If you were given the chance, would you travel to space?’ I said ‘yeah probably,’ because I wanted to seem adventurous, but honestly I’d rather die. What’s the point of being launched into the atmosphere away from all humanity just to look back at it and think ‘wow, I really am an insignificant speck of nothingness in space and time’… no thanks.”
Bryson went on to explain that things really got out of hand after she and Tom went to see Christopher Nolan’s blockbuster hit Interstellar starring Matthew McConaughhey. “He sat there transfixed throughout the whole 3-hour thing – and it felt like 6 hours. I got up to go to the washroom twice, and I didn’t even have to pee.”
“The thing was so overwritten, and made space travel seem like the final frontier in manliness, or something,” she went on. “Most of the girls I talked to who were dragged to this movie agree with me – it sucked and it was so boring. I need a little human drama that’s not just Anne Hathaway waxing philosophical about love while in a space suit.”
One of Bryson’s friends, Kelly Matheson, claims her boyfriend also talks about space as if it’s interesting topic. “We were having dinner last night and he got out his phone to show me an article about some new black hole that was discovered, or something. I was trying to enjoy my pasta and he was all like ‘this astronaut’s a hero, what I wouldn’t give to meet him in person’ and so on. I nodded politely, but really I think there’s nothing more boring than space. Not to mention more depressing.”
Bryson’s boyfriend wouldn’t submit to an interview with The Manatee, as he is in shock that his girlfriend doesn’t care at all about his foremost passion. Matheson’s boyfriend Brent had this to say: “Earth is doomed — why can’t she see that? We need to find life on other planets and relocate before it’s too late.”