Miami Tanning launches ‘New Brunswick farmer’s tan’ machine

Miami Tanning launches ‘New Brunswick farmer’s tan’ machine

New Brunswick — It may be well past T-shirt season, but Miami Tanning just announced a new way for New Brunswickers to show off their provincial pride. The tanning salon company located in Fredericton and Saint John now has special beds that only tan your arms and the back of your neck. The coveted “farmer’s tan” is widely regarded as the ultimate New Brunswick summer beach-body look.

Miami Tanning’s owner, Jenna Monteith, said that many men (and some women) would come to the salon’s locations hoping to get the enviable appearance of someone who works hard outdoors and has no time to apply sunscreen to protect from skin cancer and early aging.

“The technology just wasn’t there until now,” explained a heavily tanned Monteith. “We had to turn so many people away that it made the most sense to finally invest in building this tanning machine ourselves. With the help of some engineering students at the University of New Brunswick, we created the perfect way to get that ‘weary tractor driver’ look in just 20 minutes.

“We’ve already had hundreds of New Brunswickers come in to get a farmer’s tan to impress others who slowly grow pale like a vampire as we get closer and closer to winter.”

One such client, Marv Peters, boasts about using up a 10-tan punch card in just the first week since the new machine

“Got 10 layers of tan on my bod, next one’s free,” said Peters through a swig of Alpine Lager.

“Didn’t get out much this summer with all the good stuff on Netflix now. The ladies don’t know that though with these bad boys I’m sportin’,” elaborated Peters, rolling up his sleeves to reveal a farmer’s tan resembling that of a sugarcane plantation farmer in Cuba.

“You better believe there’s no mistakin’ where I’m from. The only tan that’s pure New Brunswick.”

Miami Tanning is also looking into designing a trucker’s tanning bed, where only your left arm gets a tan, as well as a skier tanning bed that leaves a big ugly goggle shape on your face all year round.

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