Millennials gorging themselves to qualify for vaccination

Millennials gorging themselves to qualify for vaccination

Saint John — Like so many other norms shattered by the coronavirus pandemic, the guidelines for “healthy eating” have also changed completely, according to some millennials.

Long wait times for their turn to get vaccinated have led some in the cohort to take matters into their own hands…and stomachs.

Public Health is reporting a dramatic rise in morbidly obese millennials showing up to vaccination clinics. The thirty-something generation is saying that they can’t wait around anymore, and after a year of lockdowns they need to get the vaccination now by whatever means necessary.

“Look, I’ll admit that most of the hard work on this front was already done in the past year,” said 33-year-old Jessica Embonpoint. “Sitting around on my duff since last March and never leaving the house have already taken their toll.

“I see this as just finishing the job and then jumping to the front of the line,” she said, gulping down her third order of avocado toast. “I’ll do whatever I can to get back to some kind of normalcy as soon as possible.”

According to provincial guidelines, to qualify for vaccination today a person must be 65 years or older, in an eligible group of front-line workers or suffer from chronic health conditions. For a person’s obesity to qualify as a chronic health condition, their body mass index has to be 40 kg/m2 or higher.

As one might expect, boomers are not happy about millennials using obesity to jump the line.

“Typical, they can’t wait for anything,” said cranky grandpa Ronald Dinosaure. “If they can’t ‘beep-boop’ it on their phones right this second, they find a way to skirt the rules.

“You young folks need to stay in shape so you can move out of your parents’ houses someday. You can’t afford to hire movers!”

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