Campbellton — When a gigantic flock of moths alighted at a car dealership in Campbellton earlier this week, residents were at first delighted at the unusual display — until they realized said moths hail from Quebec, thus are probably in the province to promote a French agenda.
“I think it’s fairly obvious that these moths won’t stay in Campbellton, where everyone already speaks French. If we know one thing about Quebecers it’s that they’re sneaky; once northern New Brunswick is used to the infestation, they’ll move south and before long convert everyone to their French way of life,” said Peter Gorham, a Campbellton native who has somehow resisted learning so much as a single word of French. “I don’t think it’s a stretch to call it eco-terrorism — the moths will destroy our trees and our culture in one fell swoop.”
Not everyone in the province is worried about the millions of moths swarming New Brunswick. When they were revealed to be the dreaded spruce budworm, J.D. Irving, Ltd., a company passionate about ripping trees from the ground, expressed their pleasure that the moths would essentially be doing their job for free. “We don’t care whether they’re bilingual or not, we just want to see every damned tree in this province razed to the roots,” said Irving spokesperson Mary Keith.
Frederictonian Kyle Devine shared his fears about the moths. “They’re gonna steal our jobs!” he cried. “The French moths — they’re trying to outnumber us! You think they’re gonna stop in Campbellton? Hell no — I would bet we’ll see them in Fredericton before the weekend.”
The Manatee visited the bilingual city of Moncton to hear their side of the story. “Call it what it is — a Quebec conspiracy!” hollered local bigot Bob Sanders. “As soon as I heard about it, I put up a billboard on my lawn that says ‘English moths have rights too! Get the facts!’ Next thing I know, the moths landed on my sign, ate it, and flew away! Who’s going to refund the buck-fifty I spent on that?!”
Premier Brian Gallant claimed the moths are in no way trying to destroy the province. “That said, I can’t believe they would attack one of our many, many fine car dealerships,” he mourned. “That’s our bread and butter. When I was elected, I told everyone that within two years there would be a car dealership for every 50 New Brunswickers. I swore to myself that this is the one promise I would deliver on. Damn moths!”