Moncton coffee-shop intellectuals unite against 'fringe lifestyle practices'

Moncton — A number of Moncton locals have recently banded together to “finally do away with fringe lifestyle practices.” The group of self-proclaimed intellectuals are united in their disdain for such “flaky pursuits” as astrology, yoga, veganism and homeopathy. Collectively known as “The Reasonaires,” the 7 members (and counting) are relieved to finally have a forum to discuss their own logical superiority outside of social networking.

When asked how the first meeting progressed, co-president Yves Fournier responded, “Well, we mostly just got together and played video games. We also shared our opinions on the subtleties of several movies that most people don’t appreciate.”

Fournier, whose undergraduate philosophy degree has earned him the title of “Main Street Starbucks’ Most Informed Barista,” regularly posts cutting remarks against non-scientific modes of thinking on Facebook and Twitter. According to The Reasonaires’ mandate, nothing that has not been corroborated by the scientific method and peer-reviewed papers is worth consideration, and should be eradicated from public thought. When asked why the group is so concerned with what others are thinking or how others are living their lives, Fournier’s co-president Samuel Potts said, “We are so assured of the integrity of our mental processes that we insist it be impressed upon the world around us.”

Potts, who is easily spotted around downtown Moncton sporting a black long-sleeved shirt emblazoned with the word “Heidegger” in white across the chest, told reporters that he has been accused once or twice of being “preachy,” and of having attitudes that approach those held in the Crusades and the Spanish Inquisition. “I don’t see how declaring logical superiority is like dogmatic religion,” Potts said. “I simply feel it is important to diminish those who live their lives without the human intellectual faculty as their sole personal authority, despite their lack of sharing their views publicly. I’m not arrogant. I’m just right.”

Co-presidents Leblanc, Johnston, Flynn, Cormier and Howard refused comment at this time due to reporters’ supposed absence of mental rigour.