Moncton — With the holiday season fast upon us, Moncton resident Gordon Wayworth’s body has begun its annual preparations to defend itself against the unremitting intake of the sugary yolk-based milk drink otherwise known as eggnog.
Tipped off by the increasing number of decorated houses and holiday-themed music on the radio, Wayworth’s body has undertaken the difficult task of pumping itself full of adrenal hormones and doing whatever else necessary in a desperate effort to stave off the lethal effects of what will likely be a non-stop flood of the thick, calorie-rich yellow egg beverage.
“In the weeks surrounding Christmas — where eggnog is readily available — I’ve noticed a remarkable change in Gordon’s metabolism,” said Wayworth’s family doctor, Melinda Leblanc. “It’s nothing short of an 18-year-old Olympic athlete’s. But you would never guess by looking at him; there’s little change in his appearance or activity level. I think it’s simply his body desperately trying to keep itself afloat amid the open spigot of eggnog that is his mouth 6 weeks a year.”
Adding, “I truly feel bad for his digestive system; if it were capable of thought I can only imagine it would be thinking, ‘What is this and what in God’s name am I supposed to do with it?'”
According to sources close to the 48-year-old call centre worker’s body, a craving for garlic and onions has ramped up in recent days, no doubt because both are natural blood thinners and will ease the passage of the vital fluid through the already clogged arteries of a beleaguered heart about to be inundated with liquid garbage.