Moncton — Local vagrant and methamphetamine-addict Rocket Mouse has won a recent Moncton by-election, becoming the newest councillor-at-large following a wave of support from the city’s growing meth-dependent population.
“Thank you to everyone who took the time to help with my campaign,” said Rocket Mouse in a press release. “It is an honour to be chosen to represent you, and the work you’ve all been doing to reshape Moncton into a city that is more inclusive towards people who want to openly defecate in local playgrounds in broad daylight and punch concrete blocks with their bare hands while swearing loudly at passersby.”
Mouse, who ran on a platform with more libertarian leanings, polled very highly among the city’s vagrant population. A successful grassroots campaign showed promise in early polls among the numerous tent cities in Moncton, which are slowly replacing traditional homes as the only affordable housing option in the area.
“My supporters and I really feel that, with proper representation in government, we can continue to move Moncton forward,” Rocket Mouse added. “I hope to reform oppressive decency laws and build a community where people are free to throw old Tim Hortons cups full of old toenail clippings at whoever they please.
“I want this city to once again be a place where families feel free to keep their doors unlocked, because then it’s easier to break into people’s garages and steal bikes and power tools and sell them for drug money.”
Rocket Mouse says his first order of business at City Council will be to propose a new by-law that will see children financially liable for the damages they cause to crack pipes and used needles when they step on them with their bare feet.