New Brunswick — As the 2015-16 academic year begins, the provincial government is once again asking all of New Brunswick’s residents to work together to cover up just how bad it really is in the province so as not to scare away the new students who have moved in.
In a letter mailed to all permanent residents, the Office of the Premier mentioned specific issues that tend to quickly alienate anyone who is in the province longer than a few weeks, and highlighted some exciting new initiatives to force them to stay.
“One of our ingenious new youth-retention tactics was to cut the tuition rebate, which gave money back to students who were then using it to move away; cutting the rebate encourages the use of student loans, which puts them in debt and forces them to work at one of our many call centres for the rest of their lives,” read the letter.
Residents are advised not to bring up certain topics around students, such as the high unemployment rate, obesity rate, illiteracy rate, low minimum wage, general depressing vibe in the province, etc.
They are instead encouraged to passive-aggressively plant the idea in the students’ minds that they can’t do any better than New Brunswick, using phrases such as:
“They just aren’t nice out West like we are here”;
“You’re looking a little fat today. People aren’t used to that out West”;
“We have a small population, so you’re really appreciated here. You won’t get that anywhere else”;
“Once you step foot here, you never need to leave. Ever. You can spend your whole life here”; and
“Would you rather be a small fish in a big pond, or a big fish in a small pond?”
Other listed topics “to keep on the down-low” include:
-High beer prices in pubs
-Many ugly industrial landscapes in cities
-Terrible road conditions
-English and French can’t get along
Dr. Naresh Supreet, a sociology professor at Mount Allison University, says that these tactics are harmful to the province in the long run.
“We need to encourage our youth to go forth and experience important things, learn new skills, and then come back and bring that into the province. Otherwise, we may never change as a society here. It’s natural for youth to want to leave their home. Rather than trying to force them to stay, let’s encourage youth who feel the same way from elsewhere to come here,” explained Supreet.
New Brunswick RCMP are seeking to arrest Dr. Supreet on charges of public mischief and inciting a riot.