New Brunswick — The federal government has announced a $99-million plan to upgrade most of New Brunswick’s border crossings to Maine, and part of these upgrades includes a joint initiative with America’s Central Intelligence Agency to monitor Canadians entering the United States. Canadians crossing into Maine from New Brunswick will now have microchips implanted into their wrists to keep track of where they are and what they’re doing at all times.
Political analysts say that the move comes as no surprise, as America’s President Barack Obama is nearing the end of his term and must finish on a high note. In a similar vein, recently elected Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau wants to strengthen his country’s relationship with the United States by building trust between the two nations. Many are applauding the bold and undoubtedly controversial policy.
Local Woodstock crackpot Leeroy Matthews believes that inserting machinery into a person and monitoring their every move and their heart rate is a bad idea.
“It’s unconstitutional! They have no right! It violates every freedom known to man!” foamed Matthews, who likely believes in Area 51 and the sasquatch.
Other critics, such as town fool Sandra Belliveau, refuse to believe that the public’s best interests are at heart in the politicians pushing the microchips.
“Where does it stop? What do they want with this information?” raved Belliveau, frizzled hair all over the place. “This is straight out of George Orwell’s 1984. Now is the time to move to Europe.”
At a press conference, the CIA helped reporters understand that they have the best of intentions. They allowed The Manatee‘s skeptical reporter to try the microchip out himself to see what all the fuss is about.
“It’s simple. If you have nothing to hide, why should it matter?” benevolently explained C.I.A. spokesperson Jared Saunders. “You can’t put a price on freedom.”
New Brunswick citizens driving to Houlton for cheap gas or parcel pick-ups will be the first to receive microchips, and are advised by The Manatee to simply cooperate and all will be well.
Pain is temporary. America is forever.