NB Power announces plan to harness ‘Big Dick Energy’ as viable source of electricity

NB Power announces plan to harness ‘Big Dick Energy’ as viable source of electricity

Fredericton — Just a few short months after it was revealed that NB Power had sunk millions into a hydrogen technology that doesn’t actually work, the company’s president Gaëtan Thomas stood before a political panel to present his new hope for an effective power solution for the province: “Big Dick Energy” (BDE).

Higgs’s government has been understandably hesitant giving the utility company the go-ahead to pursue funding for a new technology, especially considering their last venture, a partnership with Joi Scientific, lost the province a total of $13 million.

“I’d like to request that NB Power submit a full report as to how this, uh, ‘BDE’ will not be a repeat of the Joi Scientific fiasco,” said Finance Minister Ernie Steeves.

“Yeah, I’m going to have to give that request a hard pass,” said Thomas, his arms draped over the podium. “That’s kind of the idea behind BDE — you ask us to do something, and we tell you to eat shit.” 

“How do expect us to provide proper oversight if we have no idea what you’re doing?!” asked Deputy Premier Robert Gauvin, incredulously. 

“Eat shit,” replied Thomas, with a slight nod. “Yes, you, in the back.”

“Is it sustainable?”

“Not according to my wife, it isn’t…Any more questions?”

“I have one,” said Premier Blaine Higgs, who had remained quiet throughout the presentation, but now raised his hand. “Do you have anything…anything at all to show us? Plans? Outlines? Goals?”

“Yes!” said Thomas, excitedly. “As a matter of fact, we do! Next slide, please.” 

There was an audible click of a keyboard as the image on the screen shifted to a new slide of a crudely drawn blueprint. 

“This here, gentlemen, is what we’re calling our ‘Big Dick,’” said Thomas, gesturing with a laser pointer. “And this, see, is you, Mr. Premier — notice what you’re doing to it?”

“Yes, yes, I see,” said Higgs, gruffly, sinking back into his chair. “Very cute.”

Despite the company’s contentious attitude with the government, Thomas opted to end his presentation on a high note. 

“We’ve already run a short pilot program in Edmundston last month, and the results are quite promising,” he said proudly. “The number of fucks given are down to nearly zero, and we hope to reach at least 97 per cent ‘that bitch’ by the end of next quarter.”

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