Fredericton — NB Power’s investments into implausible new power sources may seem strange to some, but the company president is marvelling at his new banner programs.
In fact, CEO Gaëtan Thomas is vowing to vanquish NB Power’s historic debt like a black widow spider-man by using the limitless power of the Infinity Stone technology.
“Of course we know that Infinity Stones aren’t a real thing…at least, not yet!” said Thomas from his office, wearing a very high-quality Thanos mask. “But, we have been talking with some very committed individuals who convinced us that with enough investment, the Stones can be manufactured at a reasonable cost.
“Once achieved, outfitting NB Power with Infinity Stone technology could potentially unlock limitless power for me! …Err, I mean for New Brunswick.”
The $22-million investment in mythical power stone research is NB Power’s second large expenditure on highly speculative energy sources in 2019. The first was announced earlier this year when the utility invested $13 million into a research technology that reportedly violates the laws of physics while removing hydrogen from water.
The Manatee contacted NB Power’s business partner in the Infinity Stone endeavour. CEO Lowe Kee of Infinity Stone Technologies in Asgard, Norway, did not return our calls as of press time.
Thomas dismisses the naysayers and doubters, saying that nuclear fission was once just a mythological technology, and now we have Point Lepreau.
“Honestly, it may cost us billions more before we see any benefit at all — if ever — from this investment. But hey, if it pays off and I can snap my fingers and make our $5 billion debt and crumbling hydro dam disappear, it would be worth every single penny!
“When people pay their power bills, we know that they expect us to piss away their hard-earned money on cool technology shit like fantasy hydrogen reactors, smart power meters and fictional power stones.
“And if maybe I get to meet Scarlett Johansson and Gwyneth Paltrow in the process, that’s a win-win for everyone!” he said.