New Brunswick — Target stores in New Brunswick today are liquidating everything including merchandise, shelving, racks, employees and even loitering customers who refuse to leave the buildings until they get the best deals.
“Those suckers who lined up at the crack of dawn for rock-bottom prices will be the first to go,” said Saint John Target manager Sean Driscoll while slapping a bright-red “sale” sticker on one of his cashiers. “They’re here to claw at each other and get the best prices on useless crap they don’t need, but after they buy all our remaining junk, we’ll sell them off to each other.”
“It’s worse than Black Friday in here — they would have ended up fighting to the death anyway,” he added with a shrug.
Fredericton store manager Murray Clark further explained the situation: “You’ve probably heard in the news that more then 17,000 staff at Target Canada will lose their jobs. Well in New Brunswick, we’re selling those employees at great rates. Some other retail companies are snatching them up at deep discounts, and we’re not opposed to selling these people for decent prices to individuals who could use some help around the house, or who just need some company, that kind of thing.”
Clark then scurried off to label a horde of desperate shoppers “85% off” with his price-gun. “Everything must go!” he screamed amid the chaos.
A Manatee reporter braved the cold and lineups early this morning to interview some shoppers who were apparently oblivious to the fact that they were among the pile of items to be liquidated. Phil Rogers, 72, said he doesn’t mind being sold along with dusty shelving units and old greeting cards. “I already went on my mall walk and got my Tims — I’ve got nothing else going on today until Wheel of Fortune comes on,” he explained.
Jessica Copeland, 22, said she’ll just quickly run in and out before anyone tries to buy her. “It’s worth the risk of being sold to a big corporation or to some weirdo. I heard most of the winter clothes are more than half off! HALF OFF!”
Target aims to exit Canada before summer, with all its northern stores being closed by mid-May. As with any liquidation, prices will dive lower and lower as fewer items and people remain for sale.