New Brunswick — After two years of a global pandemic, much of the world is uncertain of how to proceed. This is especially true in New Brunswick, where Blaine Higgs’s Conservative government has approached masking regulations with all the consistency of a Future lyric.
As of Monday, however, all COVID restrictions have been lifted in the province, hopefully bringing an end to the uncertainty.
“In New Brunswick, we don’t believe in doing things halfway,” said Premier Blaine Higgs. “You can see that in our culture, our politics, our wealth disparity — it’s all or nothing, and that’s how we like it.”
It’s important to remember, however, that theses regulations were already lifted back in the summer — with dire results — before being reinstated. What makes it so different now?
“Well this time, all of the provinces are lifting their regulations,” said Dr. Jennifer Russell. “We think the best way to combat a communicable virus is by coming together.”
The premier interjected here.
“My mother always said that the definition of ‘safety’ was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results,” he said, appearing a little misty-eyed.
“Did your mother have any other useful sayings?” asked a reporter for the Telegraph Journal, presumably fishing for more tidbits of folksy, New Brunswick charm.
“Oh my God, no,” he said. “That woman was nuts.”
Some experts have additionally questioned the timing, since it comes so soon after the March break, when many New Brunswickers have engaged in international travel, making it far more likely that they brought the virus back home.
“I’ll remind you that these restrictions were lifted after the March break. We highly discouraged international travel before this time, and we’re confident that people have been following these recommendations,” said Higgs, punctuating his point by sipping a spicy lime Michelada and pushing his his sombrero back with his thumb.
In closing, the premier reiterated his belief that easing back restrictions will finally start returning things back to normal.
“I think it’s time that we all finally take a deep breath of fresh air,” he said, inhaling deeply and exhaling heartily over the crowd.