Fredericton — During a press conference held last Monday, Health Minister Victor Boudreau announced that, in an effort to cut back on cleaning costs, all New Brunswick hospitals will be replacing disinfectant wipes with expired raw chicken to clean patients’ rooms.
“Since many are disappointed with our hospitals’ cleanliness,” said Boudreau, “the New Brunswick Health Council has been working hard to bring forward a new plan that will at once save us money and provide a fresh, new way to sanitize.”
The controversial protocol was suggested by mommy-blogger Oregano Ivy, who explained that using raw chicken as a cleaning product is much safer than any Lysol wipes. “There are sooooooo many toxins in those store-bought killers. Raw chicken is all-natural, cleanses your liver and, when it expires, all the salmonella dies, right?”
Ivy even suggested that the Health Council consider reusing the chicken in soups. “You add a little salt to it, and who knows the difference? That’s a smart government on a budget right there!”
While most citizens are more concerned about staff shortages than the cleaning equipment itself, Boudreau claims that every hospital in New Brunswick will now have the funds to purchase up to three Roomba robot vacuums with the money saved by the new cleaning procedure. “We’ll even go as far as Scotch-taping cardboard cutouts of employees on said Roombas to give patients the impression that everything is under control.”
If the plan to privatize hospital services goes through, global giant Sodexo will provide the new cleaning product, sold at a much cheaper price than standard wipes. “Sodexo even told us that, if we all get three friends to purchase those same healthy, organic and chemical-free chicken wipes, the province will get an even larger discount — so get selling!” exclaimed Boudreau.
The changes will be implemented in April 2017. Until then, friends and family of patients are invited to donate their raw, expired chicken to their local hospital in exchange for an extra visiting hour and a free cup of new-and-improved chicken soup.