Saint John — The world’s oldest profession is now looking to become subsidized.
A small group of local prostitutes are applying, fashionably late, for SEED (Student Employment Experience Development) business grants so that they may give New Brunswick students the opportunity to jump-start their post-academic careers.
Madame Lefoot, one of the province’s most notorious female pimps, met with reporters at the Max Pub in Saint John to discuss her organization’s bid for funding.
“Most professions try to snatch up workers while they’re still young,” she said after bumming a cigarette off of a Telegraph-Journal writer. “I think that’s doubly true for whores.”
The group of hookers claim that, with the province’s help, they will not only provide supplementary income for students who need it, but the work will also gives students the necessary tools to promote their “personal brand.”
“I’ve learned a great deal doing this sort of work, including economics, networking and negotiation.” said Kevin Shi, a ludicrously handsome 19-year-old engineering student. “Oh, and I’ve also gotten really good at cunnilingus.”
Lefoot explained that while she realizes that the legality of prostitution might be a major roadblock, she feels “fairly certain” she could convince the government that her organization is legitimate. “Let’s just say a certain ‘Right Honourable’ Horsman owes me a favour,” she said obliquely.
“I don’t think there is any doubt that we deserve SEED funding,” concluded Lefoot, excitedly. “After all, we do take more ‘seed’ than any other industry in the province!”
She began to cackle uproariously, smacking the table as her guests fell into an embarrassed silence.