Saint John — The Government of New Brunswick, NB Power, and the City of Saint John have secured a deal to purchase $6 million of coal from the Irving family to power the Belledune Generating Station.
The Irving family was given the coal by Santa Claus early Dec. 25. The coal was meant to penalize the family for a streak of bad behaviour this year. Given the controversy surrounding the purchase, many looked to Santa for answers.
“The Irvings have been very naughty this year,” Saint Nick explained. “They have avoided paying taxes, they haven’t repaid their loans from taxpayers, and they all push the ‘close door’ elevator button when they see somebody rushing to get in. I wanted to really make a statement by sending them all the coal that I could find!”
Santa had to elaborate when asked why he had given such a profitable amount of coal to the wealthy family. “Coal has always been a gift for the naughty, even when coal was useful,” he said. “Who even uses coal anymore? I had no idea that anybody would be able to profit from such an archaic, dirty fuel source.”
Premier Higgs celebrated the announcement today.
“This is a great opportunity for New Brunswick,” raved Higgs. “I am always delighted to work with my bosses, er, I mean the Irving family, on business ventures that definitely benefit the people of our fine province.”
NB Power President Gaëtan Thomas couldn’t be reached for a statement since he is currently in Aksum, Ethiopia to finalize an investment in a company that claims it can generate clean energy from some old stones they’ve kept in a basement.
The announcement has left many New Brunswickers wondering how they can get in on this lucrative deal next year.
“I was pretty good this year — Santa must have noticed because I got some nice camo boots, a six-pack of Alpine and a new vape pen!” exclaimed Stanley resident Alex Babin. “But as nice as all that was, I could do a lot with $6 million. I’m thinking next year I’ll have to slap a homeless guy or kick a puppy. I really don’t want to, but that Christmas coal could go a long way.”
Plans to discontinue burning coal at Belledune have been suspended with the expectation that the Irvings can supply all the coal the plant needs annually just by behaving the way they always have.