New Brunswick — If you take a drive along one of New Brunswick’s many scenic roads, you’re bound to see debris that’s been lining the roadways since the historic flood of 2018.
Cleanup crews have been working tirelessly to get rid of the discarded bicycles, logs and beer cans that have been washed up into people’s properties, but many residents are becoming frustrated with how long it’s taken to get everything back to normal. Well, Brian Gallant is coming to the rescue!
“Back to whence you came!” shouted the gorgeous premier as he plowed a heaping pile of garbage into the St. John river in Fredericton on Wednesday afternoon. “We need to make New Brunswick beautiful again and I have a plan to do it fast. We’re going to just plow everything right back into the river.”
The Manatee was invited to an exclusive press conference on the north side green where Gallant shared his plan while operating a tractor and wearing what appeared to be a very expensive suit.
“Yeah, the suit is expensive, Paulie,” he answered his reporter friend. “But I don’t care. I’ve got tons of expensive suits so I think I’ll be OK — I’ve got a great suit guy.
“But we’re not here to talk about suits today,” continued the premier. “We’re here to talk about my amazing plan to clean this place up as quickly as possible. I was driving along the river last night and when we got home, Karine was all depressed about all of the garbage and said she ‘wasn’t in the mood’. So, I knew right then I had to do something about this mess — and quick!”
We asked Gallant whether he is worried about polluting the river further.
“That’s probably not going to be an issue. This stuff came from the water, right? And we’ve never had any previous water-quality concerns. And you guys are ignoring some of the pros that are going to come from this, too. Not only are we going to clean everything up quickly, but we’re also potentially donating a bunch of junk to some third-world country — I mean who knows where this stuff will wash up!”
Some Frederictonians expressed concern, while others championed the premier and his idea by calling him a “true pioneer of innovative thought.”
“He’s a true pioneer of innovative thought,” stated Deputy Premier Stephen Horsman, who said he was speaking as an unbiased citizen and not as a politician or friend of Gallant’s. “This is just a great idea in a long line of great ideas by Briski…I mean the premier.”
Gallant explained that this project is exactly in line with what New Brunswickers expect from him.
“This all-right province elected me based on how good-looking I am,” he cheered. “And I’m not going to let them down by sitting around letting this place be ugly. I’m going to clean up while you guys take some pictures of me and then continue by making other people clean up once you leave — that’s my promise!”