New Brunswickers long for death’s sweet embrace

New Brunswickers long for death’s sweet embrace

Moncton — While the spring weather envelops New Brunswick in brilliant sunshine, new life and warmer temperatures, many shiftless citizens of the province are longing subconsciously for the final release of their grave’s cold, eternal sleep. Some are speculating that many New Brunswickers are trying to end their hopeless, miserable existence by knowingly indulging in dramatically unhealthy lifestyles.

“The songbirds have returned, the bees are buzzing, and children are playing and riding their bikes outside. And I wish they’d all shut the hell up so I can watch my stories on the TV and finish my poutine in peace!” fumed Moncton citizen Marie Malsain. “What do I care that it’s springtime? What is there to do outdoors? Just packing enough food to go outside for an hour sounds like a huge amount of wasted effort.”

A report from the NB Health Council released last Tuesday reads like the script a for another Death Wish sequel. It said that New Brunswickers are among the unhealthiest in Canada — 62% have chronic health conditions, obese New Brunswickers have increased to 26%, and 21% of people age 12 or older are smokers. Only 52% of New Brunswickers perceive their health as “very good” or “excellent” – the lowest level in the country. NBHC says this lifestyle results in “shorter life,” and “[aging] with a poorer quality of life.”

Unwittingly or not, New Brunswickers are definitely indulging in some very unhealthy practices. For example, the province is now reviewing reports of the following:

  • Soda pop servings limited to 1-2 per day. However, the servings are now 3 litre insulated Polar Pop cups (also known as the “Speedy Diabetes” size);
  • “Supporting the New Brunswick economy” by consuming a 6-pack of Moosehead products every day;
  • Rampant reports of FitBit crashes due to prolonged motionless Netflix binge-watching;
  • Nicotine overdoses from the replacement of “king-sized” cigarettes, with new “super-sized” versions;
  • Growing popularity of simultaneous vaping and cigarette smoking, with the hope that one cancels out the other;
  • Increased sales of deep-fried “stuffed-stuffing crust” pizza;
  • Chronic back injuries from lack of stretching before walking to the refrigerator; and
  • The wild popularity of the “Michael Phelps diet” among non-athletes, who are saying it’s the only diet they’ve been able to stick with.

The government has pledged quick action to try to stem the rising tide of self-destructive behaviour, with the premier leading the way. Brian Gallant has offered to personally train anyone who wished to get themselves back onto the right track. “Anyone at all can join me for a 10-kilometre run or a few rounds of tennis,” said Gallant.

“All of this,” he said gesturing toward himself and flashing a perfect smile, “just doesn’t happen by accident you know.”

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