New Brunswickers still in shock after Starbucks quits making Unicorn Frapp

New Brunswickers still in shock after Starbucks quits making Unicorn Frapp

Fredericton — Coffee addicts are still reeling from the news that the Unicorn Frappuccino that mega-chain Starbucks promised would be available for a week sold out a mere day after the promotion began.

The pink-blue drink was marketed as tasting like the magical juice from the horn of a unicorn. Most, however, never got the chance to try the fantastical beverage.

“It held all the promise of a caterpillar ready to emerge from its cocoon a butterfly, but came out a moth,” said Fredericton resident Samantha Donaldson.”You have this idea in your head about what a unicorn might taste like; this was not it.”

Starbucks released the drink on April 19 and intended to continue the promotion until April 23.

“We waited in line for 23 minutes and when we got to the window they told us they had sold out,” said Donaldson. “My daughter just screamed from the back seat, holding her stuffed unicorn. I didn’t know what to tell her!”

Donaldson is convinced that, like the whimsical creature the drink is named after, the beverage never actually existed.

Starbucks representatives responded to many complaints after the drink disappeared. “We are terribly sorry about the disappearance of the Unicorn Frappuccino, and we realize how much we suck for not preparing extra,” said longtime barista Chad Chase. “We sorely underestimated just how much sugar and chemicals Starbucks drinkers are willing to ingest in one go.”

Saint John’s John Hinder, a self-appointed representative of actual unicorns, was one of the many people who complained to the coffee company; he claimed the mythical creatures felt misrepresented and undervalued by the product.

“Could you imagine if a group of unicorns got together and made a human frappuccino?” he scoffed. “It would taste like Netflix, debt and tears. It’s hardly fair of us to try to capture the essence of a unicorn in a plastic cup for five bucks. We’re cheapening what it is to be a unicorn. Humans have a long and tainted history of abusing unicorns for the purposes of marketing.”

The overpriced, 410-calorie drink definitely left a sour taste in the mouths of those who weren’t able to taste its sweet magic.

“Look, I was under no illusion that the thing would taste good, or that it would be good for me, or even that after drinking it I’d be physically able to do anything other than slouch in my apartment in a sugar coma,” said Moncton Starbucks-lover Mark Monteith. “But it’s the principle of the thing. Starbucks owes me and other addicts an explanation. Or an even newer, even grosser-looking drink in the near future.”

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