New Brunswick’s deadbeat fathers celebrate ‘Secret Second Family Day’

New Brunswick’s deadbeat fathers celebrate ‘Secret Second Family Day’

New Brunswick — After a full Family Day comprised of hikes, fancy dinners and trips to the movie theatre, there are a number of fathers, not as few as you may think, that are subjected to a second set of festivities the following day. 

Who, you ask? Those with secret second families in other parts of the province.

One such father, Phillip Barner, who goes by the name “Phillip James” while in Sussex, spoke with The Manatee this morning, whispering over the phone while his second family played Monopoly in the other room. He was quick to compare Second Family Day to the initial holiday.

“It’s far, far worse,” Barner explained. “Because the other wife — the second one — is especially pissy because you didn’t spend the ‘real’ Family Day with her, and her kid. My kid, whatever. So you have to go twice as hard, and bring twice the enthusiasm.”

He quickly outlined his day plan.

“After breakfast and board games, we’ll take long strolls down deserted alleyways, lunch in the darkest corner of an empty bar, then supper in our car before slinking into the back row of the movie theatre,” he said. “All of this while trying to duck the private detective my first wife hired. Do you know how many costume changes a single evening necessitates? Several!

He ended the call with a desperate plea to put an end to the provincial Family Day holiday. 

“I don’t know if I can take another family night out,” he implored. “I’ve seen Spider-Man four times already!” 

His second wife could be heard from the second room. “Who are you talking to in there?”

“Nobody, hun,” he said, before abruptly hanging up. “It’s nobody.”

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