Fredericton — January is the time of year for New Year’s resolutions, breaking old routines and getting back to the gym.
However, with the province-wide “orange”-level restrictions in place and the cold winter weather, New Brunswickers often find it much easier to stay at home watching TV and scrolling through their phones.
With this in mind, Health Minister Dorothy Shephard said today that residents of the province should try a new “couch-based exercise” that is guaranteed “to get your heartrate up and your blood pumping.”
“We are calling it the ‘CNN workout,’ and it couldn’t be easier to do… physically at least” said Shephard. “Instead of light aerobic exercise, this sedentary form of cardiovascular and mental exertion is a good entry-level routine that almost anyone can do.
“To participate in the regimen, New Brunswickers will need a television, web browser, SiriusXM or internet-enabled mobile device — basically, just some way to get access to a live stream of CNN,” she explained. “Turn it on and sit back and consume a good four to six hours of live coverage of the final days of the Trump presidency. No matter where you are on the political spectrum, you are virtually guaranteed to get exercised from outrage, anger, disbelief or overwhelming dread.
“For the first few hours, you may experience accelerated heartrate as the insurrectionists armed with legal military-grade weaponry plan to take over state capitals and the U.S. Congress. Or, you may experience exhausting sadness as the deadly coronavirus cases multiple out of control in every corner of America.
“By hour four or five, you’ll be pacing around your living room shouting at the screen, ‘WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?!’ At the more advanced levels, you may try watching Fox News for a magnified effect — or even NewsMax or OAN for maximum intensity.
“Remember, please consult your doctor before starting any new workout regime, and avoid all QAnon conspiracies without direct medical supervision.”