New minister for Celtic Affairs ‘living a dream come true’

New minister for Celtic Affairs ‘living a dream come true’

Fredericton — New Brunswick’s newest cabinet minister still can’t believe how lucky she is to go into the office every day. As minister of Celtic Affairs, Lisa Harris spends her days arranging extra-marital affairs for players and staff on the Boston Celtics.

“When I was a kid and dreamt about working in government, I always pictured myself arranging a side-piece for NBA stars,” Harries said, “and now I get to live that dream every day.”

The creation of the position puzzled many and spurred some talk that the move was Premier Brian Gallant’s attempt at quelling some linguistic rumblings within his party. The premier insists the move could not be more transparent.

“The fact is there are a lot of Boston Celtics fans here in New Brunswick and if you look at the history of the NBA, from Wilt Chamberlain to Magic Johnson to all the players Madonna dated, on-court success is linked to off-the-court infidelity. I’m just doing my part to help the Celtics win another championship, which would make a great number of New Brunswickers happy.”

Minister Harris admits there is a steep learning curve to the new job.

“I just got off the phone arranging a room for Kelly Olynyk and a Massachusetts State House intern at the airport Super 8, but some of the requests can be quite tricky,” she said. “I’ve learned that Marcus Smart is a freak and don’t even ask me what Danny Ainge is into — I’m not even sure that legal in the state.”

With the new title comes a place in history that Harris believes is worth noting.

“I’m fairly certain I am the first-ever politician to arrange a tryst at a cheap roadside motel,” she said.

Still, there are those who believe the new position will take some getting used to, although Premier Gallant can’t see why anyone would question the logic of the move.

“It just makes sense. I mean, can you think of one other reason why New Brunswick would need a minister of Celtic Affairs? I defy anyone to name one other good reason.”

For Harris, she’s just thrilled to be working on something meaningful.

“In the story of their NBA journeys, I’m making it my mission to ensure they all have a happy ending.”

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