Halifax — In a shocking move by the Government of Nova Scotia, the premier has tabled legislation that will make the province the first jurisdiction in the world to have mandatory organ donation at police check stops.
Citizens will be able to opt out by either staying off the roads, or by looking sickly enough that no one would want their organs.
“So, anyone with a yoga mat in the trunk, or a hockey bag in the back seat, or a large bottle of mineral water in the cup holder — you’ll be an obvious choice for donation, but we’ll entrust the decision-making to the police, as we always do,” said Premier Stephen McNeil.
“We’ll either have an officer escort you to the hospital, or they’ll perform the surgery there at the side of the road, if you look healthy and they determine you’re a good candidate. If you’re fit to drive, you’re probably fit to donate.”
McNeil added that police will be receiving surgical training over the next couple of weeks, covering the basics of organ harvesting.
“It can’t be that hard,” said local Const. Arnold Taylor. “I’m pretty good at working with my hands — just ask my wife! — and anyways I think it’ll bring some excitement to my job. Normally I just hang out at Timmies or hand out tickets in school zones to meet my quotas. Doing involuntary surgeries will definitely be a new challenge, but I’m up for it.”
Nova Scotia residents are worried, to say the least.
“Well this is terrifying! I guess I’m going to have to use yellow-ish makeup so I look a little jaundiced, you know, as if I drink too much, and put a pack of smokes in plain sight,” said a nervous Kathy Eagers. “And I’ll eat at McDonald’s and leave the wrappers all over my car. Then the cops will just wave me through after one look.”
“It can’t really be called ‘donation’ if it’s forced, can it?” asked concerned citizen Mark Albertson. “The mandatory breathalyzer law was bad enough! And why are we trusting cops to determine anything so important..? Most police are just guys who got below-average grades in high school and have inferiority complexes and something to prove. Scary!”
“We figured the cops could take on more responsibility — they’re already given a ton of power in this country, so what’s a little more?” countered McNeil. “In most cases they won’t even be taking vital organs, unless the need is there. It’ll mostly be a kidney here, a lung there…”
The premier then paused, and asked, “How many livers does the typical human being contain? It’s gotta be…what, two? Yeah, that sounds right. Surely you people can part with at least one of your livers.”