Renous — A unified Miramichi Valley is celebrating after Renous was awarded the title of Kraft Hockeyville 2019, beating postcard hamlets from across the country. The community was awarded $250,000 for arena renovations, in order for the NHL to even consider playing a game at the local Tom Donovan Arena.
While most of area denizens were partying at the rec centre after the announcement late Saturday night, the real — confined — winners wouldn’t hear the news until morning.
Many experts now believe the ominous Atlantic Penitentiary Click Farm Computer Application Program, or APCFCAP, was responsible for the Renous win.
“The population here is, give or take, 1,000 people. More than 937,000 people voted for Renous, meaning either Kraft made a miscalculation, or something strange might be going on,” explained UNB Computer Science Dean Derek Cowie, 49.
“The regional pot farms couldn’t have even generated the electricity spike that was recorded,” he said.
The program, which tasks inmates with repeatedly liking, sharing or voting on a specific text or article, is modelled after efficient operations in China.
“They would’ve had every inmate at once continually voting over and over again,” Cowie added, “generating thousands of submissions a minute.”
Warden Kyle Cochrane, 56, only has praise for the APCFCAP.
“Shit man, this is the best thing we’ve implemented, other than the holes in walls where our C.O.’s plant the drugs.
“I found the Confucius manual in a dumpster with a ton of French immersion school supplies. The original purpose was to get my daughter some traction on social media, but then we had offers from outside agencies looking to push their agenda. We cut the GED program and started using the manpower.”
When asked about the possible consequences of giving convicts unrestricted internet access, Cochrane said, “They’re already in prison, what else can we do?”
The idea to nab Hockeyville came from fallen star Victor Cormier Jr., 19, who was recently sentenced to two years minus a day for what he only described as “given’ er.” He had been considered one of the province’s top junior hockey prospects until his conviction.
“Renous seemed pretty boring riding in from Freddy,” said Cormier Jr. “The few locals seem more jaded than the rots sittin’ in solitary, or my younger brother when the family’s over watching the World Juniors.
“Then I remembered my dad screaming about how the hockey gods hate New Brunswick, then I thought, why not try and get the cons together to bring Hockeyville here? Not up to much else.”
The click farm has also been praised for the unexpected artistic growth it has cultivated within the prison population.
“The guards are all obsessed with some sorta ‘purple-people ally’ party and tell us to come up with the most unbelievably creative stories to put on Facebook. I wrote a thing about suicidal refugee transport truck drivers swarming our Confederation,” said inmate Jarrot Turcotte, 37.
“They really are encouraging — I kept drawing my swastika lines on MS Paint the wrong way until C.O. Bruce straightened me out. It was the first time somebody told me I was capable. I felt like I could paint every wall in the prison.”
The inmates will not be permitted to watch the NHL game, as they are not allowed to leave the perimeter of the prison.
“Everyone was pretty bummed, man, when they said we couldn’t roll on down,” said Cormier Jr. with a shrug, “but the Aryans have a good ciggy betting pool going so, you know.”