Nova Scotia — Contrary to recent news, Nova Scotia will be engaging New Brunswick in a liquor war, but not with beer. Canada’s Ocean Playground will be taking on the Picture Province’s summer sale on cheap beer by launching their own sale on cheap Smirnoff coolers.
“We firmly believe that many Nova Scotians will take part in this sale, if not to enjoy the coolers, then to take part in the ‘You’ve been Iced!’ phenomenon from 6 years ago,” said NSLC spokeswoman Rita Cornhill. “Additionally, underage drinkers who haven’t yet developed a taste for beer will be flocking over from New Brunswick to stock up on sickeningly sweet coolers here.”
ANBL claims that New Brunswickers are loyal creatures who will want to purchase products at NB Liquor locations, if only to keep their money in the province. “New Brunswick is going through tough economic times, and booze is the only way the province is raking in any money; we trust that our people will continue to pad Brian Gallant’s coffers with their hard-earned dollars for years to come, whether or not we offer sweet, sweet, savings,” said ANBL spokesman Frank Simpson.
“Screw that! NB Liquor has been ripping me off my entire life,” interrupted nearby eavesdropper Taryn Gray. “I’m going to Nova Scotia just to spite them!” Gray proceeded to hop in her vehicle and do a burnout before racing to the provincial border.
Nova Scotian drinker Ted McIntosh had a more neutral opinion. “Can we take a second to acknowledge that there are no winners in this war?” he mused. “Coolers are gross, Budweiser tastes like piss, and you’re still spending way more money than you would in Québec. Who comes up with these ideas?”
Despite the criticisms, NSLC maintains that Atlantic Canadians will see Nova Scotia come out on top in this historical battle.
“If New Brunswick thinks they can beat us when it comes to drinking, they’ve got another thing coming — we have at least 10 more craft breweries, better prices, and we don’t waste all of our earnings on pointless logo redesigns,” said Cornhill.
“Also, we give Airmiles with all our booze purchases, so we’re already miles ahead of ANBL!”
A Manatee source has confirmed that Prince Edward Island and Newfoundland plan on joining in the liquor war. The Island will be offering late summer sales on moonshine, and Newfoundland will be offering a 2-for-1 deal on screech-in ceremonies until November.