Fredericton — The Conservative government announced major changes to the provincial tuition bursary program this week. Rather than give out bursary aid to students looking to enter into a university or college, everyone in the province now gets a free coffee from Tim Hortons.
Trevor Holder, the minister of post-secondary education, spoke to an indignant crowd Wednesday morning, shortly after the announcement had been made.
“Look, the long and short of it is, not everyone gets to go to university,” he elaborated. “In fact, with this new policy, even fewer will get a chance to than before. However, I can guarantee that everyone in this province will get a free coffee. Whether they choose to drink it or not is up to them.”
Holder explained that in the end, this change would ultimately save the province nearly $300.
“Frankly, I just don’t see the problem here,” said Holder, throwing up his arms. “Did the government pay for my six years at clown college? No! My parents did. And, frankly, I think we need a little more of that get-up-and-go initiative in this province today.”
One UNB student raised her hand. “Could we request the cash value of the coffee instead? Then, maybe, some of us can pool our funds to…”
“No, no, no,” said Holder, waving his hands dismissively. “That’s not in the true spirit of the thing. Don’t be a dick about this — it’s a gift, and you should accept it as such.”
“Um…Can we get something from Second Cup, instead?” asked one reporter.
“Well, no, that way I don’t get the rewards on the Tims card,” Holder said, frowning. “Next question.”