Quispamsis — When contentious matters are being debated on The Simpsons, the character Helen Lovejoy often infamously asks, “Why won’t somebody please think of the children?”
Now, as a new apartment building is being proposed for the Hampton Road area in Quispamsis, the same question is being directed toward a local builder. Residents surrounding the proposed development are demanding to know why the apathetic apartment architects hate children so much.
“I can’t believe that they are even talking about erecting this condo death-trap right down the road from an elementary school full of children!” said Hampton Road resident Jocelyne Grandmaison. “That building would have 42 units in it, and I bet every single one of those people have mowed down at least one child in their prime! Maybe even two!
“Also, there is a daycare nearby too! One of those apartment cars could hop the curb, ram right through the daycare picture window and land right on top of 10 or more children! I guess it’s open season on children in Kennebecasis Valley now…that’s just great!”
Grandmaison swears that her objections have little to do with “NIMBY-ism” (Not In My BackYard-ism), but are grounded completely on the reasoning that adding a 42-unit building nearby would endanger the lives of Quispamsis grade-schoolers.
“Adding in an apartment building with 42 possible drivers is outrageous!” she said. “Traffic from an apartment building is completely different than traffic from the three nearby churches, the high school, or the arena — not to mention the literally hundreds of other cars belonging to homeowners who already live on or near the street. Apartment cars are wicked machines thirsty for the blood of the innocent, everyone knows that.”
“Our petition is definitely not about appealing to emotion because we can’t think of any other reason to oppose the building besides the fact that we don’t like it. It’s about the kids.”