Pet owners to homeowners: dogs can’t fucking read!

Rothesay — In a battle for the ages, pet owners across suburban neighbourhoods are speaking out against homeowners who spray their yards and proudly display signs on their lawns.

Jenny Steeves, a Rothesay resident and devoted dog owner, recently expressed her exasperation while strolling with her furry companion, Pickles. The culprit? Signs that littered the neighbourhood lawns, boasting about the homeowners’ lavish use of herbicides and pesticides.

“It’s infuriating to see so many people burning their cash just to poison the entire block, all because they can’t stand a few dandelions or whatever,” Steeves ranted, shaking her head in disbelief.

Not all homeowners share Steeves’ sentiments, however. Randy Clark, a staunch defender of the right to beautify his property, begged to differ. 

“I don’t understand what the big deal is,” he declared defiantly. “As a homeowner and taxpayer, I have the right to do whatever the hell I please with my land. The signs clearly state that pets should be kept on a leash. What’s the problem?”

The problem, Steeves counters, is that the sprays used by homeowners didn’t discriminate between pesky weeds and innocent wildlife. 

“Sure, I can read and keep my dog on a leash,” she retorted. “But what does Mr. Clark expect the birds to do? Grab a dictionary and start obeying signs?”

In this escalating feud, it seems communication barriers are at the heart of the matter. While homeowners argue they have a God-given right to spray their yards if they put up a sign, pet owners counter that literacy among the animal kingdom is rather limited.

Local authorities are monitoring the situation closely, unsure whether to take sides or offer a crash course in reading to pets. The dispute continues to make waves, with local residents eagerly awaiting a resolution that would bring peace and harmony back to the neighbourhood.

Until then, Steeves says animals and homeowners may need to find alternative ways to coexist. 

“Perhaps a hilarious comedy of errors involving dogs wearing tiny glasses and homeowners teaching squirrels the alphabet might do the trick.”