Petroleum producers call on Liberals to ‘chill the frack out’ on moratorium

Sussex – While petroleum producers last week were imploring Gallant’s Liberal government to hold off on a moratorium on hydraulic fracturing, Gallant has gone ahead and imposed it.

CAPP (Canadian Association of Petroleum Producers) had intended to begin extensive hydraulic fracturing in the Picture Province early in the new year, but yesterday Gallant declared a freeze on fracking until more was is known about the environmental impact of the process.

A spokesperson for the big-name petroleum company agreed to speak with The Manatee on condition of anonymity. “Fracking is completely safe and likely does no harm to our water supply, and for all we know, it’ll probably have no consequences for the future,” she said. “All fracking does is create jobs; I don’t see why we need to disclose to the government every boring detail of the process. We drill down, what comes up is work for the people of this province. I’m pretty sure it’s no big deal.”

“The moratorium is totally whack,” she went on. “Frankly, Gallant’s being a grade-A rube. He needs to just chill the frack out and get with the times. You’d think such a young premier wouldn’t want the province to be stuck in the dark ages even a minute longer.”

Our reporter asked the spokesperson what science, if any, the company has to back the claims that fracturing is a safe and responsible step forward for New Brunswick. “I talked to a guy just last week who heard from this other guy who apparently studied geology or something in university. That guy said it was safe. Why would we question further? Damned bleeding-heart Liberals always standing in the way of progress and financial gain.”

Premier Gallant has asked that 5 conditions be met by CAPP before the government will look at lifting the moratorium. One of them is “social licence,” a term the premier admits is vague. The opposition Progressive Conservatives say Gallant has selected the term precisely because it is so unclear. “Seems like Gallant’s just trying to kill time until he finds something better to do than worry about low-priority items like the environment and the health of future generations,” said an incensed Walter Kilburn, longtime PC supporter. “We need to give Gallant the boot and get McKenna back in office — now there was a premier.”

The petroleum company representative requested that The Manatee take some time to speak with James Denis, a respected science teacher at Sussex Regional High School, about the effects of fracking. “I’ve studied this from every angle,” Denis stated in his classroom this morning. “And I’m someone who’s invested in our children, as well, and want them to have a solid future. I think the (big-name oil company) should be allowed to drill our province to pieces. It’s safe, it’s healthy, and Brian Gallant doesn’t know anything about science,” he said, shoving a large wad of bills deep into his back pocket.

Our reporter noted that Denis had a framed photo sitting on his desk of himself with the petroleum company spokesperson on vacation at Canada’s Wonderland.




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