Sussex — Poley Mountain ski hill opened on Monday with a brand-new lodge 70 percent bigger than the one that burned down last year. This leaves roughly 0.3 percent of its clientele who are there to actually ski.
“We love the it,” said Carter McKinnon, who was sitting with his wife by the canteen. “The food, the people, the atmosphere… plus, it’s a great way to keep the kids active.”
He gestured over to the window, where 3 children had their faces pressed longingly on the glass with tears frozen to their cheeks.
The improved ski lodge has added several new amenities and facilities, including a spa, rock-climbing wall, pool, dance club, billiards, movie theatre and a brand-new “make-out/hook-up” area, which hosts more than 15 romantic fireplaces and serves cheap, highly intoxicating wine while sensuous rhythm-and-blues music plays over the loudspeakers.
“I’ve tried all of the online dating services,” said 24-year-old Katie Lawson, removing her tongue from a young gentleman’s mouth, “but Poley Mountain is the only place to find people who look really good in snow pants.”
Despite these new refurbishments, there remains a resilient few who continue to use the mountain for skiing.
“Gosh, those folks in there just don’t know what they’re missing — the feeling of snow rushing under your feet, the wind against your face, the beating of your heart… it makes you feel alive,” said some asshole with a back catalog of ski-passes still stuck to his coat pocket, before jetting down the hill and hitting a spruce tree.
Oh shit — he’s probably still out there too, come to think of it. The Manatee went to the bar afterward and we totally spaced.