Report: Catwoman had evil plot to make Parlee Beach into litter box

Report: Catwoman had evil plot to make Parlee Beach into litter box

Shediac — Well, the cat is out of the bag.

Documents released today from a right to information request revealed an insidious secret plan to slowly transform New Brunswick’s Parlee Beach Provincial Park into the world’s largest public litter box.

And, the malevolent mastermind behind the dastardly deed is none other than the infamous supervillain, Catwoman.

“Catwoman really did a number on us this time,” bemoaned Park manager Catrina Litière. “She must have somehow rigged the sewage infrastructure to leak pee-pee and poo-poo into the beach sand to make a gigantic cat toilet. Now, our beautiful beach smells like the bathroom of a men’s college dorm on ‘Taco Tuesday.’

“When I see little kids playing with pails and shovels digging in the sand, I keep thinking of dozens of cats in their litter boxes burying little presents for their owners to find later. It’s a disaster.”

Information just released by the provincial government shows it has known about a sewage leaking problem at Parlee Beach since May 2017. Human waste and grey water is not making it to the sewage treatment plant, and instead it has been seeping from the pipes that run underneath the park into the beach sand. The lush sandy beach was described by the investigating engineer as a “long-term reservoir for bacteria.”

“Look on the bright side,” said Litière. “Just think of how much better the sand will clump together for the sand sculpture competition now. And we can finally let dogs back onto the beach, right? I mean, what’s the big deal now?

“At least we know now why Parlee is Canada’s warmest saltwater beach, right?” she concluded. “Do I have to say it? OK, fine. It’s because of urine. URINE! Happy now?”

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