New Brunswick — The Conservative government has laid out a controversial new plan to provide police with significant new emergency powers, including a new bill reminiscent of New York City’s infamous “stop-and-frisk” policy.
“I was inspired to adopt this approach after learning of the success of New York’s ‘broken windows’ policy,” said Premier Blaine Higgs, in a statement. “Have you been to Saint John? We have a ton of broken windows! If we can match them on that, then I’m sure we can match them on this.”
The proposal has been met with a great deal of criticism, especially in light of the recent protests around the globe calling to scale back police authority.
If the bill passes in its current form, police will be able to stop and frisk citizens at their own discretion, and pocket any loose change they happen to have on their person.
“With all of these calls to defund the police lately, who knows if we’ll even have jobs by the end of the year,” said Fredericton Police Chief Barbra Leads. “I mean, we’ve really got to start preparing for the possibility of an early retirement.”
In addition to giving the police the authority to search citizens without an explanation, it would also provide the police with an opportunity to, in legal terms, “get a little handsy.”
“We’re currently in discussions as to whether this allowance would extend beyond ‘first base,’” said Public Safety Minister Carl Urquhart. “Personally, I’m pushing for second, if not third in extreme cases.”
Despite that the fact that this bill was drafted to help flatten the curve of COVID-19, many are worried that it will have the opposite effect, as these interrogations will make it nearly impossible to socially distance from the officers.
Urquhart says that there is a very simple solution for those being accosted by police who are concerned about contracting coronavirus.
“Don’t breathe.”