Province already planning ‘New Brexit’

Province already planning ‘New Brexit’

New Brunswick — In light of Thursday night’s 51.9 percent vote in favour of Britain leaving the European Union, leaders and citizens in the small province of New Brunswick, Canada, are mulling a similar move.

“Think what it would mean for New Brunswick to finally stand on its own,” said New Brunswick Premier Brian Gallant. “To not only be free of the Atlantic provinces, but to no longer be part of Canada as a whole — we could have our own currency, our own national anthem, and I could be king! Er… prime minister I guess.”

After the Brexit vote was made public, the U.K. was caught in the crosshairs of worldwide criticism, and with good reason: the move is financial suicide, according to economists. “The pound has already slumped to its lowest point in over 3 decades,” said Financial Times columnist Bryden James. “All we can do now is learn from the Britons and avoid repeating their disastrous blunder.”

Gallant, apparently not seeing the news, went on about his desire to be distinguished from the other provinces. “I’m tired of being called a ‘Maritimer.’ Like, what does that even mean these days?

“Also, right now our economy sucks. If we become independent, we decide how valuable our money is. One New Brunswick dollar (NBD) will be worth millions!” exclaimed Gallant, not understanding how the economy works, nor taking the hint from British Prime Minister David Cameron’s immediate resignation.

Many working-class citizens of the province are behind the premier. Some have asked their British relatives to send their used Brexit signs, and intend to scrawl “New” over top of them with a Sharpie.

“I’m beyond ready to stop focusing my fear and rage on French people in the province, and start directing it at everyone outside the province, where it belongs,” said local redneck Dougie Brewer. “Until we vote for New Brexit, I’m gonna spend all my time convincing my family, friends — everyone — to take back their province. From… the rest of Canada, I s’pose.”

Leaders of the other Maritime provinces are expressing confusion at New Brunswick’s shaky and unspecific plan.

“Yeah, New Brunswick has always been a bit of a loose cannon. They don’t read or understand the news, so they see some big, exciting thing happening on the world stage, and next thing you know they’re jumping right on the bandwagon,” said Nova Scotia Premier Stephen McNeil.

“Gallant is barely making the cut as premier of the worst province, and now he thinks he can be the leader of his own damned country? Ludicrous.”

New Brunswick is set to vote on New Brexit on Canada Day.

  1. Marian Lucas-Jefferies June 24, 2016, 11:53 am

    Then the Irvings could own a whole country instead of just a province. And PM Gallant, they would be the royal family.


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