Province encourages unemployed to ‘make your own damn jobs’

Province encourages unemployed to ‘make your own damn jobs’

New Brunswick — Even with the province’s jobless rate dipping down to 8.4 per cent in May, the New Brunswick government isn’t stopping the push for work and is unveiling a new strategy loosely called “make your own damn jobs” in hopes of reaching the lowest unemployment rate ever.

“Like, why is everyone always putting pressure on me to create jobs for people?” asked Premier Brian Gallant, the man in charge of creating jobs in New Brunswick. “I was having a vent session with Horsey and he was all like, ‘Yo Bri, we’re actually doing more harm than good here,’ and then he went on to explain what an enabler is and my mind was kinda blown.”

Gallant said he came to the realization that something had to change for New Brunswick’s job creations to become sustainable.

“I was readin’ all about it on Wikipedia,” he explained. “Like, if you keep giving people what they need, you’re actually making it so they can’t ever do anything for themselves — it was deep. There was this old adage that said something about giving a man a fish or teaching how to fish…well I didn’t read it because I think fish is pretty gross, but it really sounded like it was going to be profound — you should look it up.”

The premier decided to roll out his plan with summer students first, as he believes youths would have a greater chance for success due to their “unencumbered, clear minds.”

The premier’s office released a list of business examples to try and inspire young would-be entrepreneurs. The list includes 10 possible business opportunities, each item representing a need in the province.

  1. Cat walkers: Dog walkers are everywhere, but no one is ever walking cats.
  2. Honest opinion givers: Wondering if your clothes look dumb or you’re wearing too much makeup? We’ll tell you the truth!
  3. Bad news cakes: This is when people really need a cake.
  4. Fake plans app: If you want to avoid doing something with friends, this app could create fake events in your calendar.
  5. Mom callers: Your mom always wants you to call her, you don’t want to, so we will for you!
  6. False praisers: The opposite of the honest opinion givers — the world needs balance.
  7. Listeners: We’ll listen intently while you talk about your stupid book idea, your stupid movie review, your stupid recipe, or your stupid complaint about your significant other.
  8. Fetchers: We’ll fetch your TV remote, your phone, beer, chips, whatever you need around your house — you won’t have to get off your fat ass for anything.
  9. Facebook arguing advisers: Can’t come up with a decent argument to put on a controversial Facebook thread? We’ll research it for you and make sure you put that friend who has a different opinion than you to shame.
  10. Curtain designer: When’s the last time you saw an actual nice set of curtains?

Gallant told our reporter that he’s “going all in” on this initiative in hopes that “New Brunswick will become the leader in self-sustainability — and it’ll free up a ton of time for me to work on my abs.”

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