Fredericton — In a drastic move to cut costs and reduce the provincial deficit during their first week in office, the newly crowned Higgs government rolled out a new province-wide plowing policy today.
The policy is expected to slash government spending on snow removal, which will instead be invested in our communities by building playgrounds for kids, and outdoor calisthenic gyms for hippies on Keto.
Their plan, largely brainstormed by high-ranking members of the formerly in-power Gallant government, is a simple one: “The cheapest way to do something is to just not do it,” explains Roland Johnston, director of snow removal for the Province. “If we simply do not send plows out, we do not have to pay for the fuel to keep them moving, the salt and sand to make the roads passable, and will save a ton on maintenance!
“If the people in the communities only knew how much of a toll those potholes can have on our vehicles!”
The announcement conveniently came on the same day as the province’s first snowstorm of the season, a weather event expected to dump up to 25 centimetres of snow in certain areas, as well as produce heavy freezing rain and high winds.
When asked if the unexpected announcement caught any resistance from party members or the Opposition, Higgs noted the decision was made at the Gallant house last evening, where Karine was hosting a formal concession dinner comprised of Kraft Dinner and turkey.
“Any complaints can be forwarded to Liberal headquarters, as this whole thing was mostly their idea,” Higgs was quick to tell us.
The Higgs government is also asking that any New Brunswickers stuck at home today because of the storm take a few minutes to pray for rain.