New Brunswick — For the past few months, the provincial government has been scrambling to come up with adequate regulation to meet the legalization of recreational marijuana in July. It was finally determined earlier this week that smoking the drug will only be permitted in Premier Brian Gallant’s two-storey Fredericton home.
“We think that this is a fair compromise,” said Health Minister Benoît Bourque. “This way we can provide a safe location with adequate supervision for all of you friggen potheads.”
The premier has been hosting these “pot parties” intermittently over the last few weeks to test the idea, but what do the patrons think of the deterrent?
“Well shit, it’s working for me,” said 24-year-old customer Leslie Manning. “There’s no way I can sit through Fantastic Planet for a third time.”
Gallant, for his part, takes his role in the legislation very seriously.
“Getting high is an event,” he said, lighting some incense in preparation for the night’s session. “It’s like…a holy thing, you know? It’s expanding one’s mind. You’re plugging yourself in and connecting to your senses on a deeper level.”
Many patrons say the premier’s attempts to “liven up” the experience come off as “annoying,” even “desperate.”
“He isn’t satisfied with just sitting around, getting high and playing video games,” said two-time customer Dylan Hirtle. “It’s always got to be this big thing, like we have to go out and watch the stars or make pottery or something. It’s exhausting.
“Also, he’s so pretentious. He’s got so many goddamn ‘strains’ stowed away in that closet of his, I just know he’s got to be making some of them up.”
“Yeah, so I got some of that Big Bubba Grimace,” Gallant listed, pointing to several small individual baggies. “Hash and Burn, Klu Klux Kush, Michigan Father, Sweet Baby Jesus, Sativa69@Haze.Kush, Lando Calrissian, No Name Purple Pop, Fate of the Furious, Graham Cracker, Love, Square and Hippopotamus.”
Finally, it was time to start. After the crowd had shuffled in, Gallant had them sit in a circle around him and passed around a thin joint.
Things seemed to be going well, for a while, until the premier pulled out his Gibson and began singing the opening lines to Pink Floyd’s “Comfortably Numb.”
“Hello…hello…hello,” he echoed as the guests groaned in unison.