Scientists find strong correlation between loving dogs, carrying little bags of shit around

Fredericton — Social scientists at University of New Brunswick’s Fredericton campus have uncovered a strong link between those who love dogs and people who have a propensity to carry a little bag of shit around everywhere.

“If you call yourself a ‘dog person,’ it seems there’s also a significant chance that in your free time you carry a thin little baggie of actual shit around with you,” said head researcher Vanessa Martin, “as if it’s no big deal and isn’t fucking disgusting.”

“While we can’t as of yet point to direct causation, there is an undeniable link between these two groups of people,” added assistant researcher Matt Killam. “We have a lot to learn from them. At what point in their lives did they decide to start putting warm feces in a tiny bag and toting it in public places? We’re hoping to find out…if we can secure funding for a followup study, that is.”

The university commissioned an initial study when Martin and Killam presented a PowerPoint slideshow capturing candid photos of Frederictonians — even UNB students — holding shit-bags and just casually walking around with them.

“I was floored — who would do that? Who are these people?” said dean of sociology Norman Jardine. “I knew ‘dog people’ didn’t mind gross things like slobber on their faces and having their crotches sniffed and wet dog smell permeating the air they breathe, but what’s with the shit? It’s a whole new level of repulsive.”

Marla Higgins of Nashwaaksis, longtime shit-carrier, said it’s not even about dogs for her — she does it for the love of shit.

“I guess I’ve always been a bit of an awkward person, and I like to have something to hold in my hands. If it’s not shit, I’m peeling the label off a beer bottle or biting my nails or chewing a pencil. But I find when I carry the shit-bags, I can avoid social interaction altogether because no one comes near me for some reason.

“And the best part is,” she admitted, “when I’m done with it, I just drop the bag on the walking trail or wherever I am. Let another shit-lover pick it up.”