New Brunswick — The provincial government has released its first report on the state of water quality in its lakes and rivers. The results are largely positive, finding that the water has a robust, “pudding-like consistency” and emits a “healthy green glow.”
“We’re very happy with the report,” said Premier Blaine Higgs, during a press conference. “Honestly, this is some of the best science that money can buy.”
Higgs stated that he felt the report was “vindication” for his administration’s current environmental policies, proving that recent concerns about water quality have been “vastly overblown.”
“For example, that blue-green algae everyone was talking about really only killed three or four dogs this past year,” he added. “Which, I’m sure you’ll agree, can hardly be considered a ‘mass extinction.’”
Higgs explained that the primary reason behind the report’s positive findings is the province’s commitment to “accountability.”
“Just look at last year, when Irving Oil was charged with polluting the Saint John River,” he said. “What did we do? We held them accountable, and made them pay a considerable fine, which we then suggested be paid to an Irving-owned non-profit.
“Actually,” he corrected. “On second thought, don’t look into that.”
While the lack of sea-life was cited as another potential cause for concern, Higgs dismissed the idea that this might be a problem.
“Frankly, we think that only improves the cleanliness of the water,” he said. “I mean, think of all the peeing and pooping that fish do. How gross is that? No…No, I think we’re much better off without them.”
Still, despite his conviction, many in the audience clearly remained unconvinced.
“To prove that I have the utmost confidence in the report,” said Higgs, holding up a clear plastic cup of river water, “I, personally, will have my deputy premier drink this entire glass…Here you go, Bob.”
Obviously dumbfounded, Gauvin took the cup and gave it a tentative sniff. Then, showing tremendous resolve, he closed his eyes and swallowed back the entire thing.
“See?” said Higgs. “Perfectly sa—”
Just then, the deputy premier began vomiting an entire litre of black bile onto the stage, slipped on it, and smashed his head on the hardwood floor before passing out in a puddle of his own sick.
Higgs, looking shocked, appeared for a moment to be at a loss for words.
“Still, uh…have a bit of that flu then, Bob?”