Saint John — The frazzled, bare-bones staff of the newspapers across New Brunswick are already salivating at the thought of the bonus turkey that will be bestowed upon them by their employer just in time for Christmas.
“No, they didn’t give me the raise they’ve promised for five years, and yes, they make me work late every shift — but it’s all worth it when I get to walk down to the dark parking lot on a cold night and be handed a frozen turkey from the back of a transport truck,” said Telegraph-Journal court reporter Jeff Craig. “Thank you, Irving family!”
Features editor Rachel Lawson has been crossing the days off her calendar in anticipation of the turkey.
“It’s literally the only thing I’m living for,” she said. “That turkey, filled with growth hormones, preservatives, GMOs and whatever else died so that I may live. It’s what Christmas is all about. It’s also the only creature that probably had a worse life than I do, in my cubicle in that dank-ass office where they won’t spring for heating. I can almost taste it — hope I don’t get mugged when I go pick it up!”
The Irving family say that the turkeys are of the lowest quality, but they still manage to raise the spirits of the company’s downtrodden employees.
“If we gave them money as a bonus, they might go buy drugs with it, so we have no choice but to give them food,” said a plump, greasy BNI Vice-President Jamie Irving, looking not unlike a Butterball turkey himself. “In reality we dock their paycheque right before Christmas to cover the cost of the turkeys, so they’re actually buying it for themselves, but they don’t seem to mind. It’s the thought that counts, right?”
Not everyone is pleased with the turkey-as-bonus.
“The turkey is so insulting. It’s like this is the year 1800 and we’re at risk of starving to death — so we have to go fight the other people in the back of a truck for a goddamned scrap of meat,” said a disgruntled employee who wished to remain anonymous for fear of losing their job. “Obviously I’m going to take it…it’s the closest thing to appreciation we ever get, but still. It’s a slap in the face.”
Jamie Irving said that if people don’t like this generous year-end gift, they are free to donate it to a food bank.
“Please — with the salary I’m getting, I need to use the food bank just to survive,” said copy-editor Janice Marshall, walking home from a shift at 2 a.m. with keys laced between her fingers to defend against drunk uptown Saint Johners.
“That turkey bonus needs to last me till at least February, maybe March. I can practically taste it now…giblets, gravy, crispy skin, tender meat…it’s so damned delicious it nearly makes me forget about how shitty this company is for another year.”