New Brunswick — Today, New Brunswick’s Department of Public Health announced that as the COVID-19 testing criteria narrows to single symptoms, new measures are being put into place to ease the contact tracing process and help prevent the spread of the virus.
As of Monday, August 17, anyone displaying a single symptom of COVID-19, such as a cough, must notify all sexual partners from the past three months, in addition to being tested for the virus.
“While this may lead to some awkward conversations, notifying your recent sexual partners of a cough or sore throat is the responsible thing to do,” said Nicholas Gorski, spokesperson for New Brunswick Public Health. “You will also need to get the name, address, contact information, and frequency of any new sexual partners for contact tracing purposes and submit it to Public Health.”
Some New Brunswickers think the new rule violates their human rights.
“I have lots of sex, too much to count, in fact,” claimed 17-year-old Matthew Kingston of Fredericton High School, who lives in his parents’ basement.
“Every morning my belly button hurts from all of the sex that I definitely have. There’s no way the government can expect me to keep track of all the people coming through my door. And they have no right to that information! Even during a pandemic, when I have tons and tons of sexy hot sex.”
Other residents of the picture province are willing to do anything it takes to prevent the spread of the coronavirus.
“I’ve been keeping tabs on my swinger neighbours, and writing down the licence plate numbers of all the visitors that swing by,” said Sharon Peabody of Rothesay. “That dirty couple has at least two other couples visiting a night, so I’ve been reporting every licence plate to public health so they can track them down in case of a COVID scare in our neighbourhood. I’m glad I’ve never been invited over!”
Of course, the best method of preventing the sexual spread of COVID-19 is to not have sex at all.
“Even married couples or committed partners can spread the virus to each other. Public Health recommends no intimacy or physical contact of any kind until the pandemic is over,” said Gorski.
Public Health recommends that instead, people should follow B.C. Health’s guide to “self-relief.”