Fredericton — Even Fredericton’s top doc is nauseated by the smell of yeasty body parts at the Dr. Everett Chalmers Hospital in Fredericton.
“I walked into work, took one whiff, and though that The Unhappy Baker had opened a kiosk.”
“With the humidex in the low 40s and everyone only showering a couple times a week, it’s a recipe for Candida,” said a concerned Dr. Goodyear, President of the New Brunswick Medical Society. “In my 30 years of practice, I’ve never seen such terrible cases of crotch rot or bread in the shed. Last night I was ready to call a code white…er…red.”
The likely candidates have been lined up at the DECH for hours, digging and shifting uncomfortably. Cyclist who wear the same shorts all week, stay-at-home moms in tight yoga pants, construction workers who insist on wearing tighty-whities under their jeans, and every single person that reads Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop newsletter.
“I bought her ‘Smells Like My Vagina’ candle,” says avid Paltrow follower Daisy Simmons. who was waiting at the ER. “I just thought that…well I guess I didn’t know what I was supposed to do with it…and here I am.”
Staff are trying to intervene and educate patients, but the demands are too great.
“I’m hearing from our nursing staff, and they’re exhausted,” said Maureen Wallace, President of the Nurses Association of New Brunswick.
“Have you ever tried to pick a fight with the Pillsbury Doughboy while dancing to the sick beats of the junk funk? Have you been to a buffet where they only serve spicy tacos with extra cheese? We just can’t take it anymore! ”
When asked for comment, Chief Medical Officer of Health Jennifer Russell had this advice for The Manatee readers: “You gotta let it breathe. Let it all hang out. Peace and love.”
Hospital staff hope that cooler drier heads and genitals will prevail as fall approaches.