New Brunswick — Despite what a Fredericton man calls “heaps of evidence to the contrary,” the Public Health Agency of Canada confirmed today that the proposed Alpine vaccine, nicknamed Eh-1, has shown “zero evidence of any real medical benefit, with regards to COVID-19 or any other ailments.”
“I don’t get it, you know?” said Greg Fougere, Fredericton native and Eh-1 vaccine advocate. “Me and my buddies have been testing Eh-1 basically since lockdown started in March when we all got laid off, and not one of us has gotten sick. I’d say that’s at least a good enough sample size for the feds to look into it a bit.
“Plus, with the hipster beer movement around here, there is a ton of Alpine just sitting around…I bet we could have enough to vaccinate all of the Maritimes — heck, maybe even all of Canada — within the month!”
The Manatee reached out to Mary Gardner, Manager of Special Projects at Moosehead, to inquire about Eh-1.
“Have we heard of it? Oh yeah, a couple of yahoos came by the brewery back in July asking if we had done any medical-grade testing on our beer, and if we could sell it by the syringe. They were creeping out everyone in the tasting room, so we just gave them a few cases for ‘research’ and they went away.
“Then, like a month later they were back again, drunk as all get out and basically yelling that they’ve never had COVID; we were about to call security on them when they said they wanted to buy 100 cases for testing. I’m not gonna lie to you, getting people to drink Alpine is the hardest part of my job, so after that point, we were happy to oblige their little experiment.”
Unfortunately for Fougere, when The Manatee contacted Patricia Peters from the Public Health Agency of Canada, her stance was much more grim. “Will it work?!” she exclaimed. “God no…it’ll work just about as well as drinking Javex, with the added benefit of not killing you…well, not killing you quickly at least.
“I’m glad these guys have found something to keep them busy during the pandemic, and hey, they are supporting local business, so I can’t slag them too much. But Alpine is not, I repeat, is not an approved COVID vaccine!”
“Patty’s tough, we’ve been trying to win her over for months now,” Fougere said of the Public Health official. “Just last week, Johnny over there mailed her a couple of cans and a syringe wrapped up all nice like we would package it for sale and she didn’t even write back. That’s okay though — we have a plan to get her attention. We’re gonna crash the next anti-mask protest in Fredericton and give out free syringes of Alpine to everyone. It’s like, what do they call it? Oh yeah, a double-blind taste test of the vaccine.”