Hoping to improve our coverage of the federal election, The Manatee looked to create a sister series to CBC’s Face To Face with Party Leaders, currently airing on The National. However, after digging though our archive, we discovered that we already had!
Way back in our 1583 edition of The Manatee — the first to be etched onto a printing press, rather than shouted at people on the street by the journal’s official “yeller,” Sir Alexander Vietinghoff III — we ran a very similar series, instead focusing on the the county’s other ruling authority: the English monarchy.
Here is that piece, as it originally appeared.
Colonies of Newfoundland — We would like to begin this missive by emphatically stating that the personages here discussed in this work are the outliers, lo, the exception in their uncertainty. Forsooth, as a whole, these colonies of Newfoundland offer their undying eternal devotion to the Crown.
Nevertheless, there remain some who believe that a revolution may be in our midst, and that the colonies ought to consider a push for independence. During a recent voyage to the islands, the Queen Mother met with five of these individuals to discuss their concerns.
Fourteen-year-old Charlotte Ainsworth, mother of three, says that her greatest concern is providing the best possible opportunities for her progeny. While meeting with Queen Elizabeth I, Ainsworth inquired as to the monarch’s future plans for public education.
“As it stands, I answer all of my children’s questions with ‘because the good Lord wills it,'” Ainsworth explained. “Might there be system we can put in place to have someone else explain this to them?”
The Queen listened carefully to the question, nodding her head thoughtfully at intervals. Once the girl had said her piece, Elizabeth cleared her throat and spoke thusly:
“Off with her head!”
A second subject, 36-year-old senior citizen Albert Marlowe, requested the presence of the Queen to discuss the contentious modern issue of health care.
“I’ve got these problems with me brain,” he explained. “But the leeches done make me sleepy. What’s you going to do about it, then?”
Elizabeth found a swift solution in excising the gentleman’s head from his shoulders.
The third and final undecided subject was Bernard Davenport, a former soldier of the Anglo-Spanish War who asked what plans were in place to recognize and remunerate the veterans of English conquest.
In response, the Queen told him that she was quite surprised to see that he had survived the conflict, and soon remedied that small problem.
Shortly thereafter, Elizabeth returned to her vessel, now assured that she had the colony’s every confidence.
God bless the Queen, and long may she reign.*
*Note: the author of this article was later hanged, drawn and quartered for a subsequent satirical essay in which he referred to Sir Humphrey Gilbert as a “ninny.”