Reading ‘The Manatee’ chief suspect in neurological disorder found only in N.B.

Reading ‘The Manatee’ chief suspect in neurological disorder found only in N.B.

New Brunswick — An unknown neurological disease found only in New Brunswick has been baffling scientists since 2015. Since the first case was discovered, 41 more have been found, but no cause has yet been determined. 

“My first guess was that it was something the Irvings were doing to poison the environment,” said Dr. Jennifer Russell. “But, when I called them up to discuss the problem, they offered me ten thousand reasons why it wasn’t their fault…so we’re now looking at organizations that have less money…Er, I mean safety regulations.” 

There are several unifying factors in all of the discovered cases. They are not genetic in origin, they are all located in New Brunswick, and they all severely affect the brain. All of the signs point to one cause: reading The Manatee.

“We asked ourselves, what is something that New Brunswickers subject their brain to that nobody else in the world does?” said Russell. “It wasn’t long before we hit upon The Manatee as the obvious culprit.”

She outlined her reasoning in an online statement, pointing out that since late 2014, roughly around the same time as the first known case, The Manatee has been attacking its readers’ minds with “dumb, one-sided, sub-literate trash.”

“I find that notion utterly absurd,” said Dr. Newton, professor of Media Studies at UNB. “The Manatee has been serving up smart, adroit satire that encourages independent thought on behalf of its readers.” 

After making this point, Dr. Newton let out a huge fart onto a giant pile of poop, then ate it with great relish.

“Aditionally,” he added, “their is no know indekkation that it affects the litteracy of it’s readers.”

Whether or not the disorder is, indeed, caused by The Manatee remains to be seen — but you can let us know. 

Share your thoughts. We reserve the right to remove comments.