St. Stephen — Some may call it “God’s country,” but it seems God himself has taken offence to such a claim. He has proven His extreme dislike for New Brunswick’s small border town by ruining their favourite time of year — autumn — with record-high humidity levels yesterday and again today.
The September highs are being reported by multiple news outlets, including CBC, who have suggested temperatures in St. Stephen will reach the low 40s (Celsius) this afternoon, making life “even more miserable there.”
“As if it weren’t already a miserable place to live,” griped perspiring St. Stephen resident Joey Joseph. “I mean, the monotony of the place, the people, the mayor, the animals and now this heat? I’m not going to be able to do anything at all in these extreme temperatures!”
Joseph had been planning to call in sick due to heat on Tuesday before he remembered that he doesn’t actually have a job.
“I picked up my phone and thought for a second or two, trying to figure out where I get my money from,” he detailed. “Can’t very well call in sick to the E.I. office, now can I?”
Our reporter spoke with a pastor from the local Baptist church who stated that this heat could be a message from the Lord Almighty that He’s getting pretty fed up with people referring to St. Stephen as “God’s country.”
“Who are we trying to fool?” asked Pastor Ben Hanley. “God’s country? Like, are we really trying to compare this place with Heaven? The Bible says that Heaven is holy and beautiful and perfect — so, basically exactly what this place is not.”
Though there is no actual proof that God is smiting the town, meteorologist Caroline Fryer claims that there is “absolutely a concentrated heat wave that is affecting St. Stephen more than anywhere else.” She explained that she’s never witnessed anything quite like this in all her years in the field.
“So it must be an act of God. It’s like you’re hitting a wall when you cross the town limits!” she exclaimed, wiping sweat from her brow. “The humidity is unbearable — even more unbearable than just being in the town normally is. And that’s something I never thought was even possible.”