New Brunswick — The rules of dibs are very simple and well known: call “dibs” first, and you’re the winner.
Pretty straightforward, right? Well apparently not so much for self-proclaimed premier-elect Blaine Higgs, who is acting as if he’s never heard of dibs and says it has no place in government if it does in fact exist.
In what may be a historical first, it is being reported that minutes after the final tallies were released, Premier (the real one) Brian Gallant called dibs on the premiership, thus securing his spot as New Brunswick’s uncontested leader — at least for the time being.
“In the game of dibs, you gotta be quick and you gotta be smart,” explained Bro Code expert Brodie Delsmith of Fredericton. “I’ve seen a lot of bro moves in my day, but his might actually be the slickest one I’ve ever witnessed — Gallant is going to be a legendary bro for this one. He saw the opportunity when no one else did, and he friggin’ took it like a boss. Just thinking about it gives me chills — dude has mad skills.”
Delsmith explained how the code operates by sharing a quote from the Official Bro Code of Dibs.
“The code says,” continued Delsmith, pulling out a small notebook and flipping to the correct page on his first attempt, “timing is everything. As a rule, dibs will always go to the person who calls them first. Like the rights to asking out a girl, the last slice of pizza, and in this case, the right to be premier of New Brunswick.”
Our reporter tracked down Premier Gallant who was wearing a yellow sash that said “premier” on it to demonstrate to everyone that he is still in fact premier.
“I saw an opening and I took it,” he beamed. “It’s clear to me that this is exactly what New Brunswickers wanted. If it weren’t, then they wouldn’t have left it so wide open for the taking and would have elected a party with no room for error. But since it was so up in the air, they obviously wanted to see who would be the smartest and call the position first. And sorry for Mr. Higgs, but that’s me.”
Gallant then adopted a more serious, confidential tone.
“Everyone knows I’m a bro; it’s no secret. You can tell by looking at me, talking to me, smelling me or simply by hearing stories about me. They know I’m a bro. So, they had to have known that this is the recourse I would take given this scenario. The great people of New Brunswick had the opportunity to take that ability away from me had they wished to, but it’s obvious they had no such wish in mind.”
Gallant promptly ended our questioning by popping his collar, putting on some over-sized sunglasses and saying, “I’m the premier, and I’m gonna keep doing me while you keep doing you.”