Fredericton — Last week, New Brunswickers got a rare glimpse of the behind-the-scenes turmoil that existed between education minister Dominic Cardy and Premier Blaine Higgs.
Like screenshots of passive-aggressive text messages between two teenage frenemies, the war of words erupted into full view of the public last Thursday.
Dominic Cardy resigned his cabinet position after making several scathing and explosive allegations against his former boss. In response, Higgs expelled Cardy from the PC caucus after releasing a letter of his own.
While Higgs’s letter seems restrained and neutral by comparison, The Manatee has discovered that it wasn’t originally the case. Our enormous staff of top-notch investigative reporters have uncovered the first draft of Higgs’s response to Cardy, and its tone and tenor was very different. It read as follows:
“Dear Mr. Cardy,
“May I invite you to submit your resignation letter in triplicate directly to deez nuts? These wrinkled old softballs in this catcher’s mitt…riiiiiiiiight here. And don’t let my manly mane of hair down there intimidate you; Blainey don’t ‘manscape.’
“You think your so-called ‘data’ makes you smarter than me?! Data my perky tits! I’m a professional engineer goddammit! I have an almost god-like knowledge of everything, you simpleton!
“That’s why I’m doing everybody’s frickin’ job out of my own office now! I don’t know why I need any of you idiots. I should be a one-man goddamn cabinet, and then I won’t have to deal with any of you morons anymore! I’m like that badass seagull in Finding Nemo — ‘Mine! Mine! Mine!’
“Is your letter supposed to embarrass me or something? Embarrassed my ding-dong! Somehow, you are the only person in government less popular than me. That’s like Trump doxxing Kanye West. I think I’ll be okay.
“In closing, PFO and GTFO. My ass before province before politics.
“Sincerely, Blaine Higgs, Premier”
Lizard Truss could not have said it better.. Here Here Ho Ho